The Fire Inside

You know that feeling you have? In the face of great injustice, you are angry, scared, tired, frustrated, hurt, anxious, overwhelmed, there are all these feelings and emotions burning through you like a raging fire. This fire consumes you, dominates your day. It impacts how you feel and maybe even your interactions with other people. I want you to know I see you and I understand.

While it has been great to see these fires burn on social media, it is a little disheartening. This fire that has been burning up social media for two weeks, I have felt for 40 years. But not a raging fire, a slow, smoldering burn. It can’t rage because, like all flames, it needs to breathe. My fire was covered years ago. I didn’t do it, you did. Some of you without even knowing it.

The lid is on my fire and I have been choking from the smoke for decades. Because you see my fire as different, it is dangerous. When a man stood up and yelled at me during a work meeting, it was dismissed as passion, when I calmly, quietly sat on my hands, I was the ones that someone felt threatened by. Because his burning fire is seen as a cracking log in a fireplace. Safe; comforting even, but more importantly, contained. While mine would be in a dry forest in summer. A danger to all and should be avoided at all costs. That spark must never be lit.

So, I sit here, still smoldering. Waiting for the allied fires burn away. This will end, as things tend to do. What I hope people will take away is an understanding of the frustrations that people like me have felt for years. To see and experience all the injustices we have known for centuries and have to smother that fire. Understand that this is why some slights are deeply offensive to us. How horrible it has been to see people validate the feelings of someone that we find offensive.

Many people didn’t see the big deal surrounding Rachel Dolezal. There were discussions about what trans-racial was in a world where race is a social construct. I burn with a white-hot rage thinking about if the current situation happened a few years ago and Rachel Dolezal was on TV talking about what it is to be a black person. That is why what she did was so offensive. She almost got to speak for us. A white woman, who sued her college for discriminating against her for being white, who was a leader in her NAACP chapter, could have been given a platform to speak for black people as a black woman.

I’m going to say that again in bold for the people that are just skimming. A white woman. Who sued her college for discrimination because she was white. Who was a leader in her NAACP chapter. Could have been given a platform to speak for black people. As a black woman.

I don’t expect you, the reader, to dismantle systemic racism tomorrow. I am not asking you to change the world. Just do your little part. When you see a person get upset about something you think it minor, give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it isn’t this particular thing, maybe it is just another in a long line of injustices they have had to face. Challenge people when they justify their mistreatment of black people by saying they “have an attitude.” Talk to a person when they say a black man in a professional setting is scary. Really look at how the people around you are treated. Is someone you work with singled out? Do you see it? Are you silent about it? Why?

If you truly want to be an ally, let us freely express ourselves and let our fires burn for a moment. If you stop feeding the fires, they will eventually die out. Don’t be scared of our fire, take the lid off. The smoke is too much and I can’t breathe.

Come on baby

“Come on baby,” I say. “You know you want to.”

She gives me that sideways glance that tells me she does but is trying to size up my intentions.

“It’s okay,” I say hoping to nudge her in the right direction, “everyone else does it.”

She still hesitates.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone,” I lie, “It’ll be our little secret.”

It is a harmless little lie but I know that as soon as this is over, I am going to brag about this to all my friends. I might even sneak a few pictures if I can.

Tentatively, her hand reaches out then quickly retracts.

“I won’t judge you, in fact I think it will bring us closer together.”

Even I know that is B.S. This is only our second date. I might be pushing too hard but I feel I am already committed and I want to get things moving.

She looks me dead in the eye and can recognize my intentions. A smile of resignation plays across her lips and she sighs, “Okay.”

I hide my elation so she doesn’t change her mind at the last second. She is going to do it. She wants to, I want to, we both want this and her giving in feels like a small victory.

With no more hesitation she places two more pieces of bacon on her plate and heads for the omelet bar.

Starting over

After a hiccup with the hosting service, I have my domain up and running again. I have to rebuild my site during a busy time in my life so please bear with me.